Well hello! 
I know it’s been forever, it’s been a whole lot more crazybusy than I though it was going to be lately.

I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts folder titled 3 weeks, which I changed to 4 weeks, which then changed to 6 weeks and now I’ve deleted it so I can start over. Now – now it’s been 7 weeks since our gorgeous beautiful Owen joined our family earthside and I had hoped to come on here and record a weekly diary of sorts of what it’s been like so far with three kiddos. A little for me as a nice way to keep track of my thoughts, and a little for the so many of you who are contemplating number three and have emailed or messaged to ask me what it’s like and how I’m finding it. 

I guess the fact that it’s taken me 7 weeks to have some spare time whilst also feeling like writing might be an indication that it’s been kind of crazy with THREE

They say number three just slots right in there, that you hardly notice. Well, maybe for some, but not for us over these past few months.

Owen, from birth, screamed a lot. When he was not sleepy or feeding, he was screaming. During the first few weeks he slept a lot as he was jaundice, and then he’d feed for 1.5-2 hours every 3 hours so we pretty much spent the first couple of weeks on the couch in a newborn baby blur. I spent those weeks feeling like my baby screamed a lot because he was hungry – but really hoping to establish breastfeeding properly this time around we refrained from topping up with formula. So we kept record of his wet nappies and had him weighed and kept going with the support of my lactation consultant. When we confirmed that he wasn’t screaming from hunger as he was gaining enough weight, we thought that perhaps he had colic and so bought all those drops to try and still nothing helped our screaming baby. 

My heart was breaking on a daily basis seeing him scream all the time. My patience was running thin as I was just physically and emotionally drained. I hated seeing him like that, his face always red and hot with tears. All I could do was hold him while he screamed and scratched at my chest. I was sure my neighbours thought we were hurting our baby. My big kids were walking around with blankets on their own heads ‘to make the crying quieter’ – to drown out the noise. I didn’t have very many visitors because it was too hard, we couldn’t carry on a conversation with a screaming baby. I didn’t leave the house unless I had to. I couldn’t get anything done. I felt like a bad friend, daughter, wife, mother.

I felt like I was crap at having three kids. 

When you tie your success at being a mother to your children’s happiness and your baby is so unhappy it’s pretty easy to feel like the worst mother in the world. I saw this quote online the other day and it pretty much sums it up for me.

A friend mentioned to me that it seemed like he had silent reflux, and it all clicked. We went to a GP and he just told me ‘babies cry’… I refrained from losing my marbles and trying to explain that this amount of crying – the sheer screaming non-stop unless sleeping or feeding – was not normal to me – but it was just obvious he didn’t really know much about babies and since we had luckily managed to score a paediatrician appointment the following week, we kindly asked for a referral letter and off we went.
We also took Owen to our kinesiologist, and although I think she helped a little, she worked on me more than him as 1 – he wouldn’t settle or stop screaming and 2 – I was not coping and she could see straight through me and my not so great attempt at looking like I’ve got it all together. I felt like I had slept for hours afterwards. And felt much calmer and stronger and capable – I just needed that feeling to last until we got to our paediatrician appointment.

Owen has silent reflux and lactose intolerance, both of which were causing him much pain and making him miserable. And that was why he cried all.the.time. 
Leaving that paediatricians office was – indescribable. I felt like I wasn’t crazy. I felt like maybe I wasn’t a crap mum. I felt hopeful that we could help Owen feel better. I felt optimistic that I’d have a happy baby soon. I felt extremely thankful that it was nothing more serious. I felt upset that his first 5 weeks of life were spent with him feeling so much pain, with me feeling like a failure and with our family just scraping through each day because it was just so hard to function properly. I felt worried that 5 weeks of so much screaming could some how be damaging to him. I felt awful that that’s all he knew life to be like so far – painful.

We started to notice a difference in him after starting treatment and I felt huge relief for Owen. We started to get some happier moments – longer breaks between the screaming episodes instead of constant screaming. Anyone with a baby suffering with silent reflux will know it’s really endless crying – not just an episode of crying here or there, just endless, inconsolable, high pitched and pained screaming. A little more sleep was happening, too.
But then we all got sick and it’s been 2 weeks of coughing and temperatures and snotty noses and a baby that throws up all his reflux medicine and most of his feeds because he coughs so much and had so much trouble breathing we had to take him to the hospital. 
I know we’ll get there soon. It’s just a little hard to not feel down about it all right now – 7 weeks old and all he has known is pain and sickness. 
But I also know that we are extremely blessed that this is all minor stuff really, and that he will feel better.

It’s not easy to write this and admit that it hasn’t been blissful newborn rainbows and butterflies around here. It’s certainly not easy to admit that at times I wasn’t coping. And this isn’t meant to put anyone off having – or sound like I am in anyway regretting – baby number 3. 

Because I can tell you that it is AMAZING in many ways, too. 
Like when I hold my sleeping milk drunk baby in my arms. And even though I’ve been holding him literally all day – I still hang on just that little bit longer before popping him down in his bed just because it’s peaceful and so so beautiful to just sit and quietly stare at his gorgeous face. 
Like when my heart exploded when he first smiled {which happened to be at hubby! Jealous!} or about how I love when his little hand is holding on to my finger. I can tell you about how I love to kiss him on his forehead and about how everything magically feels better when his little head rests on my shoulder.
I can tell you how amazing and beautiful it is seeing my husband with a baby again. He is such a baby person. I can also tell you how he has been my rock, my ultimate support, my falling place, my cheerleader, my voice of reason and my breath of fresh air.
And how each and every day I am amazed by the relationship between my children. Watching Noah and Chloe with Owen just absolutely causes fireworks in my heart. I know without a doubt that Owen was meant to be part of our family, and that him being here makes my world feel complete. I look at him and even though it’s been a tough start, I am utterly in love with him and so very thankful he is here and that I have the honour of being his mama.

It might take a little while longer but I’m sure we’ll get there. I feel like I haven’t been the mum I want to be for quite a while but I have small wins now and then and for now I’m trying to feel like that’s enough. 
So to me, baby number three doesn’t just slot in there – not when he has painful silent reflux and lactose intolerance. But baby number three is absolutely and without a doubt – worth everything – because none of us could imagine life without him.