I know it’s been forever, it’s been a whole lot more crazybusy than I though it was going to be lately.
I’ve had a blog post sitting in my drafts folder titled 3 weeks, which I changed to 4 weeks, which then changed to 6 weeks and now I’ve deleted it so I can start over. Now – now it’s been 7 weeks since our gorgeous beautiful Owen joined our family earthside and I had hoped to come on here and record a weekly diary of sorts of what it’s been like so far with three kiddos. A little for me as a nice way to keep track of my thoughts, and a little for the so many of you who are contemplating number three and have emailed or messaged to ask me what it’s like and how I’m finding it.
I guess the fact that it’s taken me 7 weeks to have some spare time whilst also feeling like writing might be an indication that it’s been kind of crazy with THREE.
They say number three just slots right in there, that you hardly notice. Well, maybe for some, but not for us over these past few months.
Owen, from birth, screamed a lot. When he was not sleepy or feeding, he was screaming. During the first few weeks he slept a lot as he was jaundice, and then he’d feed for 1.5-2 hours every 3 hours so we pretty much spent the first couple of weeks on the couch in a newborn baby blur. I spent those weeks feeling like my baby screamed a lot because he was hungry – but really hoping to establish breastfeeding properly this time around we refrained from topping up with formula. So we kept record of his wet nappies and had him weighed and kept going with the support of my lactation consultant. When we confirmed that he wasn’t screaming from hunger as he was gaining enough weight, we thought that perhaps he had colic and so bought all those drops to try and still nothing helped our screaming baby.
My heart was breaking on a daily basis seeing him scream all the time. My patience was running thin as I was just physically and emotionally drained. I hated seeing him like that, his face always red and hot with tears. All I could do was hold him while he screamed and scratched at my chest. I was sure my neighbours thought we were hurting our baby. My big kids were walking around with blankets on their own heads ‘to make the crying quieter’ – to drown out the noise. I didn’t have very many visitors because it was too hard, we couldn’t carry on a conversation with a screaming baby. I didn’t leave the house unless I had to. I couldn’t get anything done. I felt like a bad friend, daughter, wife, mother.
I felt like I was crap at having three kids.
When you tie your success at being a mother to your children’s happiness and your baby is so unhappy it’s pretty easy to feel like the worst mother in the world. I saw this quote online the other day and it pretty much sums it up for me.
A friend mentioned to me that it seemed like he had silent reflux, and it all clicked. We went to a GP and he just told me ‘babies cry’… I refrained from losing my marbles and trying to explain that this amount of crying – the sheer screaming non-stop unless sleeping or feeding – was not normal to me – but it was just obvious he didn’t really know much about babies and since we had luckily managed to score a paediatrician appointment the following week, we kindly asked for a referral letter and off we went.
We also took Owen to our kinesiologist, and although I think she helped a little, she worked on me more than him as 1 – he wouldn’t settle or stop screaming and 2 – I was not coping and she could see straight through me and my not so great attempt at looking like I’ve got it all together. I felt like I had slept for hours afterwards. And felt much calmer and stronger and capable – I just needed that feeling to last until we got to our paediatrician appointment.
Owen has silent reflux and lactose intolerance, both of which were causing him much pain and making him miserable. And that was why he cried all.the.time.
Leaving that paediatricians office was – indescribable. I felt like I wasn’t crazy. I felt like maybe I wasn’t a crap mum. I felt hopeful that we could help Owen feel better. I felt optimistic that I’d have a happy baby soon. I felt extremely thankful that it was nothing more serious. I felt upset that his first 5 weeks of life were spent with him feeling so much pain, with me feeling like a failure and with our family just scraping through each day because it was just so hard to function properly. I felt worried that 5 weeks of so much screaming could some how be damaging to him. I felt awful that that’s all he knew life to be like so far – painful.
We started to notice a difference in him after starting treatment and I felt huge relief for Owen. We started to get some happier moments – longer breaks between the screaming episodes instead of constant screaming. Anyone with a baby suffering with silent reflux will know it’s really endless crying – not just an episode of crying here or there, just endless, inconsolable, high pitched and pained screaming. A little more sleep was happening, too.
But then we all got sick and it’s been 2 weeks of coughing and temperatures and snotty noses and a baby that throws up all his reflux medicine and most of his feeds because he coughs so much and had so much trouble breathing we had to take him to the hospital.
I know we’ll get there soon. It’s just a little hard to not feel down about it all right now – 7 weeks old and all he has known is pain and sickness.
But I also know that we are extremely blessed that this is all minor stuff really, and that he will feel better.
It’s not easy to write this and admit that it hasn’t been blissful newborn rainbows and butterflies around here. It’s certainly not easy to admit that at times I wasn’t coping. And this isn’t meant to put anyone off having – or sound like I am in anyway regretting – baby number 3.
Because I can tell you that it is AMAZING in many ways, too.
Like when I hold my sleeping milk drunk baby in my arms. And even though I’ve been holding him literally all day – I still hang on just that little bit longer before popping him down in his bed just because it’s peaceful and so so beautiful to just sit and quietly stare at his gorgeous face.
Like when my heart exploded when he first smiled {which happened to be at hubby! Jealous!} or about how I love when his little hand is holding on to my finger. I can tell you about how I love to kiss him on his forehead and about how everything magically feels better when his little head rests on my shoulder.
I can tell you how amazing and beautiful it is seeing my husband with a baby again. He is such a baby person. I can also tell you how he has been my rock, my ultimate support, my falling place, my cheerleader, my voice of reason and my breath of fresh air.
And how each and every day I am amazed by the relationship between my children. Watching Noah and Chloe with Owen just absolutely causes fireworks in my heart. I know without a doubt that Owen was meant to be part of our family, and that him being here makes my world feel complete. I look at him and even though it’s been a tough start, I am utterly in love with him and so very thankful he is here and that I have the honour of being his mama.
It might take a little while longer but I’m sure we’ll get there. I feel like I haven’t been the mum I want to be for quite a while but I have small wins now and then and for now I’m trying to feel like that’s enough.
So to me, baby number three doesn’t just slot in there – not when he has painful silent reflux and lactose intolerance. But baby number three is absolutely and without a doubt – worth everything – because none of us could imagine life without him.
Oh Bianca 🙂 You are just wonderful!!! I am the worst person in trying to get things across in writing because I just don’t seem to have that ‘knack’ with the right and intelligent words to use…..also have the same problem when speaking lol!
You are just amazing and brave and honest and should never doubt your abilities as a mother… I know us as readers of your blog or fb page and followers of your instagram only see snippets of what goes on in your life, but I am pretty sure that 99.9% of us think you are doing an absolutely fantastic job!
It is great to hear the overwhelming and scary and not so beautiful times that can be experienced with newborns and other siblings, aswell as all the love and joy that comes when they born. It makes and reassures people out there that it is actually quite common for mothers to experience some really hard times and I commend you to bringing that out in your blog 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us and I wish you al the very best of everything for that beautiful little family of yours 🙂 Xx
Thank you so much lovely lady! It wasn’t easy to admit I wasn’t coping here on my blog but I didn’t want anyone to see my blog / facebook / instagram of only good stuff and think that I was trying to pretend that everything was perfect 🙂 xxx
Thank you for being so honest! My 1st (&only at this stage) was lactose intolerant & haf silent reflux as well 🙁 being my first I thought all that screaming was normal & couldn’t understand how anyone would want to another child ever again!!!! It wasn’t until my sister viewed a small baby outburst very gently asked if thats what he is always like & my reply of no hes normally much, much worse that she suggested we get it checked out. I have no idea how I survived the first 5 weeks but with medical help it does get better in time although sometimes it it will feel like those nights leading into early mornings will never end. Mr A is 16 months and is now completely ok with dairy & healthy always in hurry little boy!
Thank you so much! I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of that with your little one 🙁 It is really really rough isn’t it – for bubby and the parents + family. I’m very glad you got some help and that your little man is a healthy happy boy! x
Thank you for being so honest! My 1st (&only at this stage) was lactose intolerant & haf silent reflux as well 🙁 being my first I thought all that screaming was normal & couldn’t understand how anyone would want to another child ever again!!!! It wasn’t until my sister viewed a small baby outburst very gently asked if thats what he is always like & my reply of no hes normally much, much worse that she suggested we get it checked out. I have no idea how I survived the first 5 weeks but with medical help it does get better in time although sometimes it it will feel like those nights leading into early mornings will never end. Mr A is 16 months and is now completely ok with dairy & healthy always in hurry little boy!
My son had silent reflux and lactose intolerance as a baby. He outgrew it all by the time he was 2, and he’s a happy, healthy 8 year old now, but he didn’t sleep through the night for 17 months. I love him to pieces, but there’s not really any wonder that he is our “one and done”!
What an amazing mamma you are. Sounds like you’ve both been through hell and back. I’m so glad you shared your story, who knows how many other mothers out there are going through the exact same thing, and you have shared something that will also change their life? I’m sending you lots of love and hugs via the internet, and hope you’re both on the up and up. xxxx
Thank you Kym! I’ll be happy if someone reads this and it makes them feel better! Totally! I think we often expect way too much of ourselves as Mums xxxx
Bianca, I read this post and it made me feel better!! It is so so encouraging to know that someone else is feeling the same way, that I’m not alone in feeling like while it is amazing it’s just not all “blissful newborn rainbows and butterflies”. My baby boy, Levi (also my third child) is somewhere between 3 and 4 months old, (I’m too tired to remember exact weeks) and has had colic and silent reflux, he also just cried and cried and cried for the first couple of months. He is starting to settle down and while he isn’t sleeping for very long at a time, he only has bouts of pained screaming now. I hope I can encourage you by saying it has gotten better us. Thank you 🙂
What a busy time you have been having. I have 3 kids as well, (2 of whom had silent reflux )so know the schedule 🙂 Please try not to be so harsh on yourself as a mother. Owen has known so much more than pain in his short life. He has also known the unconditional love and attention of a parent who has been holding and feeding him almost continuously for all that time. Lovingly holding them. Someone who has rocked him and cuddled him as he was in distress. We all do what we can, when we can. It does gets better.
Thank you SO MUCH for what you said. YOu are right and I didn’t even think that all the things we have been doing in our attempts to comfort him, all the feeding him, and the rocking and snuggling and all of that is showing him love and attention – thank you that makes me feel so much better because you’re right. I am so sorry to hear you went through reflux with two of your babies. It’s awful but at least it does get better over time. THank you x
Hugs ! What a cutie! Hope things settle down even more, my girlfriend had similar problems but it was her first baby so she had no gauge of what was normal, it took them months and months longer to figure it out with specialists. Glad you found ways of him feeling better and you are doing a good job you knew something was not right with your baby and found a way of helping him. Best wishes and Congratulations to your whole family!
Thank you! Oh it would be hard with that as your first experience! I already felt like a crap mum because I couldn’t make my baby happy but at least I knew it was due to something more than just that I couldn’t settle him, I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to a first time mum! Hope she got some answers. Thank you xx
I love your honesty. 3 children is a handful – especially when they are all still young. I have 3 boys who are 8, 7 and 4 (nearly!) And things are really improving and so, so much fun! I always think that people who have 2 children will never understand the juggling act that you have with 3! Hang in there, he is a beautiful baby!
This post made me cry! What a very personal heartfelt post. I really hope little Owen is feeling better soon and you get some rest and feel better too. Sending a huge huge hug xxx
Yep your post made me cry too. The way you articulate a difficult time with such beautiful words. Dont underestimate how valuable this post will be to mummas in your situation. I too have 3 children (3 girls) and I too found the jump from 2 to 3 quite big. Dont be so hard on yourself. While I dont know u personally, you say you & your family are lucky to have Owen, well I also say that he is very lucky to have you all as his family. ❤
When I read this post it was like you were describing my life when we had our 3rd baby, our baby had tongue tide and could not latch on properly was not gaining weight and all I wanted to do was to breastfeed and it was not happening was not natural and I know what you mean, the 3rd baby right! you shouldn’t be surprise of the unexpected because with 2 other children you have done this and that and that’s not the case, I think its much harder because not only you have to worry about your newborn baby but also you are responsible for the other children, you are the Captain of the ship really with our husbands being at work you must manage somehow. I feel for you.
I tried so hard to breastfeed my baby so hard but after 9 weeks of not sleeping a crying baby that had tongue tide and reflux we had to make the decision to start on AR formula and I tell you it was like a saw the light she started to gain weight, sleeping and just being a really happy baby now 13 months later you would not even think she had those horrid weeks at the beginning of her life.
Bianca it will get better I promised you and I have been reading your blog for a long time now and I can see you are a wonderful mother that care so much for her children and her family.
Thank you so much for your message! And sorry to hear you had such a rough start too wtih baby 3! So so very happy that your baby is a happy happy camper now and that you were able to help him feel better!! That is really all we want for them isn’t it?! FOr them to be happy and healthy. xx
Thank you lovely, I really love being a mum! So it sucks when I feel like i’m being crappy at it haha. Baby steps !xx
thanks for sharing your journey thus far! It was hard to read and imagine what you must have been going through, so to write this down takes courage and hopefully was a little cathartic for you.
Oh Bianca 🙂
You are just wonderful!!!
I am the worst person in trying to get things across in writing because I just don’t seem to have that ‘knack’ with the right and intelligent words to use…..also have the same problem when speaking lol!
You are just amazing and brave and honest and should never doubt your abilities as a mother…
I know us as readers of your blog or fb page and followers of your instagram only see snippets of what goes on in your life, but I am pretty sure that 99.9% of us think you are doing an absolutely fantastic job!
It is great to hear the overwhelming and scary and not so beautiful times that can be experienced with newborns and other siblings, aswell as all the love and joy that comes when they born.
It makes and reassures people out there that it is actually quite common for mothers to experience some really hard times and I commend you to bringing that out in your blog 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us and I wish you al the very best of everything for that beautiful little family of yours 🙂
Xx
Hi Hayley,
Thank you so much lovely lady! It wasn’t easy to admit I wasn’t coping here on my blog but I didn’t want anyone to see my blog / facebook / instagram of only good stuff and think that I was trying to pretend that everything was perfect 🙂 xxx
So glad it all got figured out – it’s terrible not knowing. He is absolutely adorable. Congrats!
Thank you Meg! It definitely has helped to know what’s going on! And allows us to work towards helping him feel better.
Thank you for being so honest! My 1st (&only at this stage) was lactose intolerant & haf silent reflux as well 🙁 being my first I thought all that screaming was normal & couldn’t understand how anyone would want to another child ever again!!!! It wasn’t until my sister viewed a small baby outburst very gently asked if thats what he is always like & my reply of no hes normally much, much worse that she suggested we get it checked out. I have no idea how I survived the first 5 weeks but with medical help it does get better in time although sometimes it it will feel like those nights leading into early mornings will never end. Mr A is 16 months and is now completely ok with dairy & healthy always in hurry little boy!
Thank you so much! I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of that with your little one 🙁 It is really really rough isn’t it – for bubby and the parents + family. I’m very glad you got some help and that your little man is a healthy happy boy! x
Thank you for being so honest! My 1st (&only at this stage) was lactose intolerant & haf silent reflux as well 🙁 being my first I thought all that screaming was normal & couldn’t understand how anyone would want to another child ever again!!!! It wasn’t until my sister viewed a small baby outburst very gently asked if thats what he is always like & my reply of no hes normally much, much worse that she suggested we get it checked out. I have no idea how I survived the first 5 weeks but with medical help it does get better in time although sometimes it it will feel like those nights leading into early mornings will never end. Mr A is 16 months and is now completely ok with dairy & healthy always in hurry little boy!
My son had silent reflux and lactose intolerance as a baby. He outgrew it all by the time he was 2, and he’s a happy, healthy 8 year old now, but he didn’t sleep through the night for 17 months. I love him to pieces, but there’s not really any wonder that he is our “one and done”!
Oh poor poppet 🙁 And poor you! It’s so tough when they don’t sleep!!!
What an amazing mamma you are. Sounds like you’ve both been through hell and back. I’m so glad you shared your story, who knows how many other mothers out there are going through the exact same thing, and you have shared something that will also change their life? I’m sending you lots of love and hugs via the internet, and hope you’re both on the up and up. xxxx
Thank you Kym! I’ll be happy if someone reads this and it makes them feel better! Totally! I think we often expect way too much of ourselves as Mums xxxx
Bianca, I read this post and it made me feel better!! It is so so encouraging to know that someone else is feeling the same way, that I’m not alone in feeling like while it is amazing it’s just not all “blissful newborn rainbows and butterflies”. My baby boy, Levi (also my third child) is somewhere between 3 and 4 months old, (I’m too tired to remember exact weeks) and has had colic and silent reflux, he also just cried and cried and cried for the first couple of months. He is starting to settle down and while he isn’t sleeping for very long at a time, he only has bouts of pained screaming now. I hope I can encourage you by saying it has gotten better us. Thank you 🙂
What a busy time you have been having. I have 3 kids as well, (2 of whom had silent reflux )so know the schedule 🙂 Please try not to be so harsh on yourself as a mother. Owen has known so much more than pain in his short life. He has also known the unconditional love and attention of a parent who has been holding and feeding him almost continuously for all that time. Lovingly holding them. Someone who has rocked him and cuddled him as he was in distress. We all do what we can, when we can. It does gets better.
Thank you SO MUCH for what you said. YOu are right and I didn’t even think that all the things we have been doing in our attempts to comfort him, all the feeding him, and the rocking and snuggling and all of that is showing him love and attention – thank you that makes me feel so much better because you’re right. I am so sorry to hear you went through reflux with two of your babies. It’s awful but at least it does get better over time. THank you x
Hugs ! What a cutie! Hope things settle down even more, my girlfriend had similar problems but it was her first baby so she had no gauge of what was normal, it took them months and months longer to figure it out with specialists. Glad you found ways of him feeling better and you are doing a good job you knew something was not right with your baby and found a way of helping him. Best wishes and Congratulations to your whole family!
Thank you! Oh it would be hard with that as your first experience! I already felt like a crap mum because I couldn’t make my baby happy but at least I knew it was due to something more than just that I couldn’t settle him, I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to a first time mum! Hope she got some answers. Thank you xx
I love your honesty. 3 children is a handful – especially when they are all still young. I have 3 boys who are 8, 7 and 4 (nearly!) And things are really improving and so, so much fun! I always think that people who have 2 children will never understand the juggling act that you have with 3! Hang in there, he is a beautiful baby!
Thank you! 3 is definitely a handful – each day is a learning curve but I’m sure we’ll get there! Thank you x
This post made me cry! What a very personal heartfelt post. I really hope little Owen is feeling better soon and you get some rest and feel better too. Sending a huge huge hug xxx
Thank you Amanda, he is doing a little better which is just the hugest relief in many ways. Thank you xxx
Yep your post made me cry too. The way you articulate a difficult time with such beautiful words. Dont underestimate how valuable this post will be to mummas in your situation.
I too have 3 children (3 girls) and I too found the jump from 2 to 3 quite big. Dont be so hard on yourself. While I dont know u personally, you say you & your family are lucky to have Owen, well I also say that he is very lucky to have you all as his family. ❤
Thank you Rebecca! It is a big jump isn’t it! It means so much to me that I can share this with such lovely readers like you! thank you!! x
Oh Bianca,
When I read this post it was like you were describing my life when we had our 3rd baby, our baby had tongue tide and could not latch on properly was not gaining weight and all I wanted to do was to breastfeed and it was not happening was not natural and I know what you mean, the 3rd baby right! you shouldn’t be surprise of the unexpected because with 2 other children you have done this and that and that’s not the case, I think its much harder because not only you have to worry about your newborn baby but also you are responsible for the other children, you are the Captain of the ship really with our husbands being at work you must manage somehow. I feel for you.
I tried so hard to breastfeed my baby so hard but after 9 weeks of not sleeping a crying baby that had tongue tide and reflux we had to make the decision to start on AR formula and I tell you it was like a saw the light she started to gain weight, sleeping and just being a really happy baby now 13 months later you would not even think she had those horrid weeks at the beginning of her life.
Bianca it will get better I promised you and I have been reading your blog for a long time now and I can see you are a wonderful mother that care so much for her children and her family.
Karla
Hi Karla!
Thank you so much for your message! And sorry to hear you had such a rough start too wtih baby 3! So so very happy that your baby is a happy happy camper now and that you were able to help him feel better!! That is really all we want for them isn’t it?! FOr them to be happy and healthy. xx
Thank you lovely, I really love being a mum! So it sucks when I feel like i’m being crappy at it haha. Baby steps !xx
thanks for sharing your journey thus far! It was hard to read and imagine what you must have been going through, so to write this down takes courage and hopefully was a little cathartic for you.
Thank you! It certainly does feel good to get it out, and i think important for people who visit my blog to know that I struggle too 🙂 thank you x